I’ve decided to add an extra page to this, after this one, because this feels too emo to end on this note.
TRANSCRIPT
Panel 1:
(This comic is drawn entirely in black and white.)
Younger Sam: (A person wearing a white singlet, who is facing the viewer, but looking up and to the side. Eyebrows are lowered and pushed together slightly, mouth is open, with slightly downturned edges. Arms are crossed across chest.) Ok I get your point.
(The background is white, with black lines woven atop it.)
Panel 2:
Younger Sam: (A person wearing a white singlet and white trousers, who is facing the viewer while standing in a blob of white, against an otherwise black background. Eyebrows are drooping and mouth is open, with downturned edges. Arms are bent out at the elbows, palms facing up and fingers bent slightly.)
(There are 5 captions. The first reads:) Why do I feel so awful about it then?
(The second reads:) Why does she make me feel this way?
(The third reads:) Why do I find her so amazing?
(The forth reads:) Why am I so ashamed?
(The fifth reads:) Why am I different?
Panel 3:
Younger Sam: (A person who is facing the viewer, but looking up and to the side, with slightly lowered eyebrows and an open mouth, which has downturned edges.) Maybe it’s just that I can see how amazing she is…if people could see her through my eyes they’d understand.
Panel 4:
Younger Sam: (A person who is facing the viewer, but looking down and to the side, with one eyebrow lowered slightly and the other raised slightly. Mouth is open, with slightly downturned edges.) It’s not weird or perverse at all. It’s just love.
Panel 5:
Younger Sam: (A person who is sitting on the ground, facing the viewer but looking up and to the side. Eyebrows are pushed together slightly and mouth is closed, with downturned edges. Arms are crossed across chest, legs are bent up at the hips and down at the knees. There is a squiggly line and a word next to Younger Sam’s head, the word reads:) *sigh.*
Panel 6:
Younger Sam: (A person who is sitting on the ground, facing the viewer, but looking down, with head bent forward slightly. Eyebrows are raised and pushed together slightly and mouth is open, with downturned edges. Arms are crossed across chest, legs are bent up at the hips and down at the knees.) It’s not fair.
Panel 7:
Younger Sam: (A person who is facing the viewer, but with a lowered head and closed eyes, which are overflowing with tears. Arms are crossed across chest, legs are bent up at the hips and down at the knees.)
I never fell for another person specifically, never let myself I was so repressed, but that ‘she’ is the lump sum of everything I felt towards women-things, I found men brutish and lude. I feel sadness towards my younger self 14/15 year old self. It wasn’t very long ago at all and comes rushing right back. haha I remember gawking at pictures of Britany Spears and obsessing over certain people who I didn’t dare to be friends with at school.
Oh I totally obsessed over certain people who I didn’t dare to be friends with – oh yes, yes, that is so true for me. I often joke to Joe that I would NEVER be able to have been friends at high school because I would have thought he was too awesome and queer
I’ve been here, or at least close to here. I wasn’t to the point yet where I was sure it wasn’t perverse (or a “sin”). But I did spend months of my life wondering why. Especially since she was as straight as it gets. And my best friend. 😛
Eek, I hope it wasn’t too heartbreaking
Sam, I just have to say that what you do…is so commendable that I want you to know that all your efforts, worries, anxieties and hardships are worth it. You really are helping other people understand who they really are, to make them feel it’s OK, I’m not alone on this ship. I’m not alone in saying this but SO many times I’ve read your works and thought: “My god, exactly this…does it mean? Well, even if it does, its OK. Because I’m not alone.” I think the hardest thing is not “to be accepted by others” but to understand and embrace yourself for who you really are.
Aww thanks!! I definitely struggled for years thinking that I was the only one in the world who felt like this, and that no-one else would ever understand. It means heaps to me when people say they relate to my stuff – so thankYOU