This was exactly how I felt ever since I was very young–at least old enough to really understand death as a concept. I legitimately believed that 25 was good age to live to and just sort of expected that I’d eventually commit suicide, but I never knew *why* I felt that way. Thank god I figured out the reason and made steps to change it by transitioning–now, my main worries aren’t when I’m going to fall into depression, but rather what all this coffee and computer time is going to do to my health when I’m 50 and beyond.
Thank you so much for being here and for making such awesome comics, Sam. You put what so many folks are feeling and thinking into words and pictures. Keep up the fabulous work!
That’s so reassuring to know that I am not the only one who’s felt this way – so great that now you’re concerned about getting old – you know I read a study that said coffee is really good for you (I may have made that up… I probably did).
Feels comforting in hindsight, knowing that thinking you’ll never live past 25 isn’t something unique to me.
If there’s anyone reading this that’s having those kind of thoughts, I only have one suggestion to them:
If you’re still sure that you don’t want to live past (25) when you are (25) years old, then go ahead and cease living in whatever manner you choose. HOWEVER
Until then, make sure you stay alive. No matter how painful life is right now, do your best to remain alive until that age.
(Replace 25 with whatever age you feel apply to you)
It’s pretty much that ‘promise’ to myself that made me live long enough to find my mate and start seeing a life past 25…
I know how this feels… especially when I was at my most suicidal a couple years ago before I left my parents abusive and toxic home. I still deal with this, I keep thinking if something goes wrong (like I am unable to continue with school, my sponcers don’t fund me anymore, etc) I’ll off myself. I’m getting better with time, distance from my family, and friends by my side. Also therapy and prescription drugs (anti-depressants and anxiety stuff).
On another note, since this is my first comment on this comic, I want to thank you guys for helping me. I’m a non-binary trans guy who is transitioning with hormones and this comic is one of the things that helped, especially knowing Joe exists. When I first read in this comic that Joe is a non-binary trans person, it gave me hope that one day I could transition and still be genderqueer. š
I’m glad that things are improving – and that you’ve managed to get out of a toxic situation. At the risk of getting all ‘it get’s better’, I really do hope things keep improving!
And thanks for your note about Joe too – I definitely think he’s inspiring (I’m totally un-bias, obviously :P) but his experiences help me feel stronger too, and it’s funny ’cause the longer that I’ve been on hormones the more non-binary I feel – life is so weird XD
This how I felt too. Ever since the puberty hit at age 11 I was pretty certain that within two years I would be dead. I longed for that death and thought about killing myself all the time. Thankfully I somehow managed to not to find the right timing, and at around 23 or so I finally slowly started realizing what was making me so unhappy. Now at 28 I am starting my transition and for the first time since my childhood the instinctual death-wish is gone and I can imagine myself a future.
It’s so reassuring to hear that I’m not the only one who’s felt this way, but it’s also really, really sad to think how many of us have felt like this. I am so glad that you can imagine a future!!
It’s really frightening to see how much this comic resonates within the community. At the risk of sounding pretentious, this post reminded me of a quote I recently came across by Junot Diaz:
You’ve talked about queer representation in the media before, but I do wonder if visibility has something to do with that feeling of desperation, that feeling of “How can I possibly be?” From my own history, those self-destructive thoughts came about when I could perceive of no other alternative, when all else seemed hopeless.
I think that not having a mainstream discourse about trans lives (back then at least– bless Laverne Cox and her cohorts today) creates isolation, which is why work like yours is so important. The only stories I had as a kid were those sensationalized TV spots where people were gasped at and cried over, made into “monsters,” if you will. Flash to today, where we can find regular updates on an adorable queer couple that boogies in dinosuits.
Thanks for sharing this, Sam! (and for all the good work you do)
(this double-posted and I’m SO SORRY. html is a disaster.)
Itās really frightening to see how much this comic resonates within the community. At the risk of sounding pretentious, this post reminded me of a quote I recently came across by Junot Diaz:
“You guys know about vampires? ā¦ You know, vampires have no reflections in a mirror? Thereās this idea that monsters donāt have reflections in a mirror. And what Iāve always thought isnāt that monsters donāt have reflections in a mirror. Itās that if you want to make a human being into a monster, deny them, at the cultural level, any reflection of themselves. And growing up, I felt like a monster in some ways. I didnāt see myself reflected at all.”
Youāve talked about queer representation in the media before, but I do wonder if visibility has something to do with that feeling of desperation, that feeling of āHow can I possibly be?ā From my own history, those self-destructive thoughts came about when I could perceive of no other alternative, when all else seemed hopeless.
I think that not having a mainstream discourse about trans lives (back then at leastā bless Laverne Cox and her cohorts today) creates isolation, which is why work like yours is so important. The only stories I had as a kid were those sensationalized TV spots where people were gasped at and cried over, made into āmonsters,ā if you will. Flash to today, where we can find regular updates on an adorable queer couple that boogies in dinosuits.
Thanks for sharing this, Sam! (and for all the good work you do)
(I’m really impressed that you managed to change the font in your first post!)
I totally agree about how frightening it feels and I love that quote! I did a couple of essays in uni about how often monsters are presented as an allegory of ‘perverse’ sexualities, whether it’s queerness, or you-know women having sexual desire – but yes, I do think that there’s something in there about that isolation of having no sense of reflection, and how devastating that can be – how can we be expected to see our futures when our own lives seem invisible and there’s no reflection from the wider world?
I am so glad there are people like Laverne Cox reflecting their awesomeness everywhere! And that there’s pockets of the internet that I can claim and boogie my dino ways about š
As a hetrosexual non trangendered woman I have loved reading your comics, I (and my boyfriend) have really reading through all your comics – I am happy for your bonus time š
Hugs from Australia – or cookies if you don’t feel like hugs from a stranger š though you might not eat cookies from strangers… how about warm happy vibes?
Thanks Liz! I will gladly take cookies from anywhere š and virtual hugs are great too – in person hugs always bring out my mega social-awkwardness ha!
I think this is my first comment on your blog, too, and I want to say thank you SO MUCH for writing this whole comic! It really helps to hear you all talking frankly about all this shit we have as trans people. And, of course, as a non-binary person, it’s great to see non-binary-ness up there in your comics! It’s really helped me to solidify my own identity.
And suicidality is so real. Something is definitely wrong when I look around and so many of us feel suicidal, to the point where it almost feels like a rite of passage to be trans and have suicidal ideation. (Of course, please don’t feel less trans if you actually have always wanted to live! Jesus, that’s such a good thing!) I know it’s something I’ve struggled with, both with the onset of puberty and then when I realized I was trans. Thank you for portraying it so beautifully. Please keep up the good work! š
Oops–I also want to add that it’s good to know what resources are out there for suicidal ideation. Here are a few. The phone numbers are US-based, if other folks know other numbers, that would be great.
If you’re feeling this way, know a) that you’re not alone, and b) to hold on some more, to other people out there, and reach out to these spaces.
This site is a beautiful, queer/trans run/friendly space that focuses on support for suicidal feelings: http://stayherewithme.com/
If you’re feeling unsafe right now… Is there anyone you can call to be with you right now, even if they aren’t someone who’s 100% affirming? What kinds of things do you want to do that might be bad? Are you thinking of hurting yourself or someone else? If so, PLEASE call any or all of these numbers:
The Fenway GLBT Helpline: 1-888-340-4520
GLBT National Hotline: 1-888-843-4564
Q Hotline: 866-539-2727
If you’re 24 or under, Trevor Helpline: 866-488-7386
Thank you. I didn’t think I’d live until adulthood either, but I did, and life is great now even if I’m still the most insecure person. I’m a cis, het woman, so there are many ways in which I can’t empathise here, but as a human this spoke to me, and was important to read, because it helped me remember (somehow) that it’s OK if sometimes I’m still fragile now.
I tried to kill myself for the first time last week, after accidentally getting pregnant. This comic is perfect in all the ways.
(No longer pregnant. Still alive.)
this one is relatable af. For a long time i was alive out of spite didn’t want to be another statistic. trans people* (stat actually only considers trans woman cause no stats for trans men) in my country live an average of 32 years. I found that so outrageous it helped me survive some of the hardest times of my life. Now i’ve survived long enough to genuinly enjoy living im so greatful
And there are heaps of us so glad you’re here – creating powerful comics like this and just being your gorgeous self.
Thanks Jack! That means a lot!
This was exactly how I felt ever since I was very young–at least old enough to really understand death as a concept. I legitimately believed that 25 was good age to live to and just sort of expected that I’d eventually commit suicide, but I never knew *why* I felt that way. Thank god I figured out the reason and made steps to change it by transitioning–now, my main worries aren’t when I’m going to fall into depression, but rather what all this coffee and computer time is going to do to my health when I’m 50 and beyond.
Thank you so much for being here and for making such awesome comics, Sam. You put what so many folks are feeling and thinking into words and pictures. Keep up the fabulous work!
That’s so reassuring to know that I am not the only one who’s felt this way – so great that now you’re concerned about getting old – you know I read a study that said coffee is really good for you (I may have made that up… I probably did).
Feels comforting in hindsight, knowing that thinking you’ll never live past 25 isn’t something unique to me.
If there’s anyone reading this that’s having those kind of thoughts, I only have one suggestion to them:
If you’re still sure that you don’t want to live past (25) when you are (25) years old, then go ahead and cease living in whatever manner you choose.
HOWEVER
Until then, make sure you stay alive. No matter how painful life is right now, do your best to remain alive until that age.
(Replace 25 with whatever age you feel apply to you)
It’s pretty much that ‘promise’ to myself that made me live long enough to find my mate and start seeing a life past 25…
I know how this feels… especially when I was at my most suicidal a couple years ago before I left my parents abusive and toxic home. I still deal with this, I keep thinking if something goes wrong (like I am unable to continue with school, my sponcers don’t fund me anymore, etc) I’ll off myself. I’m getting better with time, distance from my family, and friends by my side. Also therapy and prescription drugs (anti-depressants and anxiety stuff).
On another note, since this is my first comment on this comic, I want to thank you guys for helping me. I’m a non-binary trans guy who is transitioning with hormones and this comic is one of the things that helped, especially knowing Joe exists. When I first read in this comic that Joe is a non-binary trans person, it gave me hope that one day I could transition and still be genderqueer. š
I’m glad that things are improving – and that you’ve managed to get out of a toxic situation. At the risk of getting all ‘it get’s better’, I really do hope things keep improving!
And thanks for your note about Joe too – I definitely think he’s inspiring (I’m totally un-bias, obviously :P) but his experiences help me feel stronger too, and it’s funny ’cause the longer that I’ve been on hormones the more non-binary I feel – life is so weird XD
This how I felt too. Ever since the puberty hit at age 11 I was pretty certain that within two years I would be dead. I longed for that death and thought about killing myself all the time. Thankfully I somehow managed to not to find the right timing, and at around 23 or so I finally slowly started realizing what was making me so unhappy. Now at 28 I am starting my transition and for the first time since my childhood the instinctual death-wish is gone and I can imagine myself a future.
It’s so reassuring to hear that I’m not the only one who’s felt this way, but it’s also really, really sad to think how many of us have felt like this. I am so glad that you can imagine a future!!
It’s really frightening to see how much this comic resonates within the community. At the risk of sounding pretentious, this post reminded me of a quote I recently came across by Junot Diaz:
(this double-posted and I’m SO SORRY. html is a disaster.)
Itās really frightening to see how much this comic resonates within the community. At the risk of sounding pretentious, this post reminded me of a quote I recently came across by Junot Diaz:
“You guys know about vampires? ā¦ You know, vampires have no reflections in a mirror? Thereās this idea that monsters donāt have reflections in a mirror. And what Iāve always thought isnāt that monsters donāt have reflections in a mirror. Itās that if you want to make a human being into a monster, deny them, at the cultural level, any reflection of themselves. And growing up, I felt like a monster in some ways. I didnāt see myself reflected at all.”
Youāve talked about queer representation in the media before, but I do wonder if visibility has something to do with that feeling of desperation, that feeling of āHow can I possibly be?ā From my own history, those self-destructive thoughts came about when I could perceive of no other alternative, when all else seemed hopeless.
I think that not having a mainstream discourse about trans lives (back then at leastā bless Laverne Cox and her cohorts today) creates isolation, which is why work like yours is so important. The only stories I had as a kid were those sensationalized TV spots where people were gasped at and cried over, made into āmonsters,ā if you will. Flash to today, where we can find regular updates on an adorable queer couple that boogies in dinosuits.
Thanks for sharing this, Sam! (and for all the good work you do)
(I’m really impressed that you managed to change the font in your first post!)
I totally agree about how frightening it feels and I love that quote! I did a couple of essays in uni about how often monsters are presented as an allegory of ‘perverse’ sexualities, whether it’s queerness, or you-know women having sexual desire – but yes, I do think that there’s something in there about that isolation of having no sense of reflection, and how devastating that can be – how can we be expected to see our futures when our own lives seem invisible and there’s no reflection from the wider world?
I am so glad there are people like Laverne Cox reflecting their awesomeness everywhere! And that there’s pockets of the internet that I can claim and boogie my dino ways about š
As a hetrosexual non trangendered woman I have loved reading your comics, I (and my boyfriend) have really reading through all your comics – I am happy for your bonus time š
Hugs from Australia – or cookies if you don’t feel like hugs from a stranger š though you might not eat cookies from strangers… how about warm happy vibes?
Thanks Liz! I will gladly take cookies from anywhere š and virtual hugs are great too – in person hugs always bring out my mega social-awkwardness ha!
Hey Sam,
I think this is my first comment on your blog, too, and I want to say thank you SO MUCH for writing this whole comic! It really helps to hear you all talking frankly about all this shit we have as trans people. And, of course, as a non-binary person, it’s great to see non-binary-ness up there in your comics! It’s really helped me to solidify my own identity.
And suicidality is so real. Something is definitely wrong when I look around and so many of us feel suicidal, to the point where it almost feels like a rite of passage to be trans and have suicidal ideation. (Of course, please don’t feel less trans if you actually have always wanted to live! Jesus, that’s such a good thing!) I know it’s something I’ve struggled with, both with the onset of puberty and then when I realized I was trans. Thank you for portraying it so beautifully. Please keep up the good work! š
Oops–I also want to add that it’s good to know what resources are out there for suicidal ideation. Here are a few. The phone numbers are US-based, if other folks know other numbers, that would be great.
If you’re feeling this way, know a) that you’re not alone, and b) to hold on some more, to other people out there, and reach out to these spaces.
This site is a beautiful, queer/trans run/friendly space that focuses on support for suicidal feelings: http://stayherewithme.com/
If you’re feeling unsafe right now… Is there anyone you can call to be with you right now, even if they aren’t someone who’s 100% affirming? What kinds of things do you want to do that might be bad? Are you thinking of hurting yourself or someone else? If so, PLEASE call any or all of these numbers:
The Fenway GLBT Helpline: 1-888-340-4520
GLBT National Hotline: 1-888-843-4564
Q Hotline: 866-539-2727
If you’re 24 or under, Trevor Helpline: 866-488-7386
<3
Thank you. I didn’t think I’d live until adulthood either, but I did, and life is great now even if I’m still the most insecure person. I’m a cis, het woman, so there are many ways in which I can’t empathise here, but as a human this spoke to me, and was important to read, because it helped me remember (somehow) that it’s OK if sometimes I’m still fragile now.
I tried to kill myself for the first time last week, after accidentally getting pregnant. This comic is perfect in all the ways.
(No longer pregnant. Still alive.)
this one is relatable af. For a long time i was alive out of spite didn’t want to be another statistic. trans people* (stat actually only considers trans woman cause no stats for trans men) in my country live an average of 32 years. I found that so outrageous it helped me survive some of the hardest times of my life. Now i’ve survived long enough to genuinly enjoy living im so greatful